Five steps for surviving the sandwich generation.

When you start to think about it, it’s no wonder women lose themselves.

We get stressed, burnt out and depressed. Emphasis is on survival, and getting through each day. We find ourselves spread very thinly and suddenly time becomes a valuable commodity.

It’s no surprise that women in their 40s, 50s and even 60s find themselves part of the ‘Sandwich Generation.’ This was first coined in the 1980s to outline the challenges faced when sandwiched between the needs of two generations. Unlike generations defined by birth years, the Sandwich Generation is based on the circumstances in which they find themselves. I found myself caring for two elderly parents and their chronic health issues, while raising young children.  New added to the sandwich generation is a third generation, where  women become partially responsible for their grandchildren’s daycare.

 

Let’s face it women rarely put themselves first.

During these busy, and often turbulent times, we forget about ourselves while prioritising the needs of multi-generational others. In these periods we find ourselves moving between many roles: a carer, a mother, a partner, a career adviser, a taxi driver and a social worker. These may be roles that we have chosen to take on (sometimes reluctantly), but more so out of necessity, guilt or duty. Our personal sense of identity becomes ignored and then fragmented.

Research shows that when we return to work after having children realise we lose our  workplace identity that took years to establish. Added to this, perimenopause brings anxiety, a loss of confidence, insomnia, mood shifts and brain fog to name but a few of the many symptoms.  It’s well documented that we may lose the confidence to apply for promotion and other career enhancements during this period.

Oxygen masks will drop from the panel.

If you’re used to flying, the obligatory safety announcement reminds us to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping anyone else. It’s useful advice, and there are some tips below to help you look after yourself.

This is my five-step plan.

1.Put on your safety mask and accept that things cannot continue as they are.

Start to carve out some moments for you. Ten minutes each day to have a quiet morning cuppa. A calm meditation from YouTube or apps like Calm or Headspace. Try journalling to reflect on what you have, what you need and what you’re grateful for. A lunchtime walk and talk with a colleague. Some hand reflexology to soothe your nervous system.

If you feel that you’re at crisis point, try these resources to help.

*Life threatening emergency: go to A&E or call 999

*Non urgent: contact your GP or call 111

*Mind Mental Health Support: call 0300 102 1234 9-6pm Monday to Friday. Or text SHOUT to 85258  It’s free and anonymous.

*Samaritans free 24/7 listening support - call 116 123 (free) or email: jo@samaritans.org (responses within 12 hours) https://www.samaritans.org

 

2.Ask for help, learn to delegate and plan it into the family calendar. Who could take responsibility for one task such a making dinner one night a week, or putting a load of laundry into the washing machine (and remembering to hang it out too)?

3.Use the systems and organisations that exist. Use online shopping for grocery deliveries; explore the possibility of flexible or remote working; plan for children to go to after school clubs when needed; use a laundry service for items on a tight turnaround.

Look for organisations that may help with elderly parents such as Age UK  (https://www.ageuk.org.uk/) who have an amazing amount of information and support on their website. Perhaps your elderly loved one may benefit from a personal alarm in case of a fall, and you’d be notified as soon as it happens. Arrange for food deliveries for them such as Meals on Wheels if available in your area, or Wiltshire Farm Foods for example. https://www.wiltshirefarmfoods.com/

Try dementia/memory cafes or a day centre (see Age UK) to help your loved one enjoy the social aspects of their life. Consider arranging respite if needed.

4.Have a support buddy who understands your situation, who can take you out for coffee, wine, shopping or to the gym and let you vent occasionally. Try not to normalise it as a moaning session. Your supportive friend will realise what you’re going through even if you don’t talk about it.

5.Set priorities. Identity one area of your life that you’d like help with and set some small manageable steps- don’t try and do it all at once. You may need some external support with this.